Overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed. That one word probably is the exact summation of how I feel. It's too much. It's just too much. How can one person handle all of this? Well, a normal person probably can. Normal people do. Normal people handle much more, and they're fine. Perhaps that's part of why it's so unbearable? To know that I am and forever will be inferior to everyone else, to know that no matter how hard I try or how much progress I make, I still have that label. Asperger's. This mysterious thing that makes it so much harder for me.

School. School is hard. Well, kind of. The schoolwork isn't hard. The socialization is hard. Just being there seven hours a day is hard. Why is it so hard? Why is something that is just another day for everyone else such a challenge for me? I'm rambling now. This isn't the stress managing exercise I need, it's just a jumble of words. Let's break it down.

School

-Lots of noise. Lots of visuals. Lots of people.

-Social interactions, knowing I'm thought of as the weird kid. Pretending it doesn't bug me, forcing myself to believe it doesn't bug me. It bugs me. It hurts.

-Homework. School is a stressful place. I put in my time. Home is supposed to be safe. I don't want to bring that into home. 

-School doesn't excuse my absences. That means detentions. Detentions mean no Prom.

-Fear that I've bitten off more than I can chew.

Work

-Eats up time. Precious time.

-Feelings of inadequacy. I struggle with these, always have, kind of a side effect of growing up as I have. 

Volunteering at the Humane Society

-Eats up more precious time.

-I thought I could clear off some detentions here, but apparently it's the shelter's stance that working with animals isn't community service.

Life in General

-Not enough time. Not enough time for anything. I can't possibly fit everything into the amount of time I have.

-Troubles sleeping, don't get enough... still wouldn't get enough if I didn't have troubles sleeping.

-Mom. Don't feel close to her. Feel like she's not who she's used to be. I've already mourned the loss of my mother in a way. I'm also not gonna lie, the fact that she gets everything handed to her pisses me off.

-Pat. Worried about Pat. She's getting old, this is too much for her. I feel like she's just going to simply lose the will to live. 

I feel like I'm held up to a complete double-standard to my mom. Pat pays for everything for her. She spends my child support. She expects to live out her days perfectly supported by someone else's money.

I go to school. I go to work. I do the best I can. I get amazing grades. And yet, still... I'm told I'm not good enough. I don't do enough around the house. I spend my money stupidly. I'm just generally awful.

I feel like I've just lost the will to do anything, including continue writing this... 

See you in another 8 months.